New Hair Cut New Life

I just realized you can't copy from Word and post on this blog...ugh XANGA lets me why not you Blogger.com

I recently got a haircut like a month ago. When a girl gets down a girl goes shopping and gets a new hairdo. At least that's what I do. A new hair style makes me feel refreshed and renewed. Sometimes I can put too much weight on a new haircut. Sometimes it symbolizes leaving the old me in the past. A friend once told me my best asset was my hair. Its what catches peoples attention (mostly men). I originally wanted to cut it all off but I knew I would only cry the next two day after the shock wore off. So I went for bangs they are innocent enough and hide those pesky forehead wrinkles.

This little haircut started a chain of events leading me to the "now" and leaving every bad thing that has ever happen to me in the past. This is the beginning of my new life.






















After about a year of cat and mouse I have submitted to the fact that I did fall in love with a very gentle, compassionate and most of all a man who is so grounded in his faith and in a relationship with God. That he has open my eyes to the Lord again. Its still a work in progress but I now can see that God has been working in my life all along and blessing me with many good things. It wasn't until I stopped and stood still, stepped out of my box to finally realize life is good and most of all its fair. We just have to react to our situation as best as we can being good to people and living with your heart. After finally deciding to open my heart to Hector he has been the best thing that has happen to me in life in the past 10 years or so. He has never given up on me or wrote me off. He stood by me during my worst times. Literally saving my life and sticking around to help guide to a relationship with God I dont think I would have had with out him. I am so lucky that I was blessed with a man that has a heart of gold, he treats me so good and loves the kids so much. With him at my side I have crushed Bipolar.....More about bipolar later. But for now I am feeling such gratitude to everyone in my life who never gave up on me. I have so much love to give and feel grateful for a second chance. Not only at love with a companion but love for my family reconnecting with my parents and cousins that a man once kept me from.

Feeling like a lucky girl!

Why is everyday a struggle

Why is everyday a struggle. Today is AJ's prek graduation. I am feeling anxious and sad.
Anxious because I have to see Tony and Yolanda together and my little ones graduation.
He is not longer the little one in daycare he'll be a kindergartener in Elementary school. The baby will grow up alot and I will miss that.

I know we are divorced and me being in a low at the moment makes for a perfect storm. I have taken precaution. I got sleep last night so I am not sleep deprived as being sleep deprived causes the mood to intensify. I have taken an extra 50mg of my meds today to ease some of the anxiety.

I am pushing on and with sheer will I will not let them effect me. I hope. I am sure I will cry today.

There are days when I wonder if I am truly bipolar or if I am just still heart broken. I think maybe I took the divorce alot harder than I thought..ok I am bipolar was just a fleeting thought.

I AM HOPING FOR A BETTER EVENING. My poor heart is tired of being heart broken.

Still Standing some how

Yesterday 5/16/2011 I found out Tony has been living with his girlfriend less than a year after he's moved out. He moved on so fast to the live in girlfriend phase. Yesterday was the worst day it seems I took it so hard and pain is still fresh. The bipolar also took a hold of me as yet again I broke things off with Hector. My mind tells me I need to be alone my fear says you can't be alone its too scary. What is the right thing to do..... A wise person says that it takes a bipolar person alot longer to find clarity but it will come.

Tonite I start my support group..it is free and I have doubts about what kind of people will be there. Its a step in the right direction. Today I did have a chat with Tony about us and letting go. He would contact me everyday. Last intimate encounter was almost 4 weeks last time he flirted with me 2 weekends ago. The news left my head spinning as I thought that maybe Tony wasn't over me. But he is and was just using me..... at this point I feel ravished and used by him that I swear dating or relationships make my stomach sick.

Another set back but the important thing is I am here still standing.

I've been faking it since I can remember and this picture is another fake it clean the tears away and go on with your life.

Friday 5/13 i had such a low spell that I literally cried myself to sleep then I woke up and got ready as I had committed to spending time with a couple friend of mine and Hector.

None of the people at my table would suspect I was battling a low. I did good covering in up. The picture of me after I woke up wiped the tears away and put on a happy face.

One day I'd like to not fake it anymore.

My BFF

Struggling here a bit. This is my new BFF Hector. He's been around for almost 2 years and has been the through the worst of the worst with me. He's help me when I came out of the mental institution and he saved my life when I had attempted suicide Nov 2011. Since Oct 2011 he's been my sole support system on and off I push him away. Its blossom into a relationship I know I have no business in. Until I can mend my heart from my divorce and find the right balance with bipolar this guy is left to take the roller coaster ride with me. None of our friends feel sorry for him anymore. He knows what he has on his hands and he's taking a chance. Right now he feels safe and safe is what I need. He won't hurt me and he has such a huge heart. I really feel as if we are more BFF / companion. Not sure if I will get that fire I once felt with Tony maybe thats it maybe there is only "one" and maybe you just have to make sure you end up with someone you can be total friends with.

I started my increased dose last night and today I actually felt great. Lets see what the night holds..when I leave work is when I fall to pieces. I won't be alone tonite so the blues should be minimal.

This is what Bipolar is.....

Here I am Bipolar....This was taken the day before Easter. Thought it would be a good idea to go to the salon get my hair colored right and get a trim almost 200.00 this is what it looks like.

Nothing special and something I think I could of had done for alot cheaper and the 2 hours that I sat there almost drove me mad. I had pressure talking because I was going nuts in that chair. Thankfully this salon was brand new and my hair stylist was happy to talk with me. I find when I have pressure talk when I am uncomfortable or if things feel awkward. This happens to get me in trouble alot especially with men.... mostly with men actually only with men. I don't know what the nervousness is about but it happens. Then the pressure talk that is all over the place is seen as a few things. 1 as flirting...and I am totally unaware of it until maybe I run into the man again of I get asked out for coffee. I have the weirdest things happen to me. 2. or women don't like to really be talked to that much....

Anyway

This is the day it my lows started rearing its little head..... By Sunday full on terrible low. Weeping feeling like I was going to lose touch with reality and then followed by anxiety. Monday not so bad did a 6 mile run as I have gained 10 lbs and feel so horrible. I also had a Dr appt in which I was informed I needed to either increase my dose OR take lithium on top of the seroquel. This was crushing to me. Lithium is the med that cause the attempted suicide and black out just 5 months ago..... I was not going to do this no way no how. So there I was again feeling defeated alone and misunderstood.

I don't have a strong support system my family would love to see me off my meds and my companion is not strong enough to NOT let me manipulate him. I can talk most people into believing I am not sick. That it was only my situation and that in 2007 when the first separation happen that is when my spiral started and now I am in a good place. I can convince most people around me that I can beat this without meds. What people don't realize is this ,bipolar people are the best actors and actresses. Without someone who can call bullshit on me i am left to wing it and bring along people on the ride.

I have a very close friend from work who I was involved with for a few months. He's grown to love me but I think more as friend and he worries about me. He too was almost sucked in thankfully he didnt spend enough time for me to damage his life. However he is experience with Bipolar as his daughter went through it. He's been the one who has influenced me to stay on my treatment when I stray from treatment and turn into a recluse he's there pushing me on. Its as if he shakes me into reality. I can't pull anything over him he sees right through me.

I need to start blogging regularly and what a typical day looks like for me.

Get in a bipolar support group and build a strong support system.

I need to mend my heart and forgive myself.

Relaxing

This is me in rare form. Had 2 glasses of wine (which is a total nono for my condition) as I am relaxing. I think I am learning how to wind down and get a hold of my mood changes. I keep telling myself when the moods come over (mainly the lows I love the highs but will need to tackle those too at some point. Highs make me impulsive and sometimes that isn't good.)

So here I am on my way. At one point I was sort of dating or seeing on a very part time basis 2 men. I took care of that and ended both of those. What a relief. I decided to give myself all the time I needed to get over Tony. My therapist made a good point of not trying to replace the person with someone else just to get over the other person. I am thinking of getting a second job and to help me stay busy and focused until school starts. I do well when I am busy and my mind isn't wondering. Hopefully I will be so worn out that I will just sleep hard on the days I am working a second job. I want my second job to be retail. I just love it!!

I have a website called www.peppervintage.com but I will need to re tweak it as one of my male friends helped with it and I need to come up with something better. Maybe do my own website and learn this HTML business. :)

Life is good today.

Weekend Madness

Sat night was movie night. One of the up sides of my weekend. I love movie night because its always nice to eat popcorn hang out and snuggle with my little ones. This always makes me feel warm and fuzzy and I swear the cure to my insomina. For whatever reason I can never make through the whole movie actually neither one of us can.

This weekend was a tough struggle. I took a picture of myself as I was battling the low. I look pretty normal. I wondered if anyone can see the hell and torment I was going through. As I looked at this picture I look pretty normal. Explains why I can hide it so well. Except this weekend was extra painful. I still can't figure out if the Tony thing triggers it or it just comes in spurts. Either way I battled bipolar all weekend severe lows and one tiny crying spell. The kids now know that I am not well and are so good. They know when I am sad and give me a moment. That is at least what they did when they saw me sprawled out on my bed with tears in my eyes. That moment lasted about 10mins I decided to say F You BIPOLAR you are not stealing my life. But all through out the weekend I was so sad and blue. I wanted relief so bad I thought I would start my first dose of Seroquel. But something hit me...I knew what was happening and I was battling it I made it through Friday and Sat and by Sunday when I thought of taking the Seroquel I thought just take it one hour at a time by 6:00pm I felt like bedtime was around the corner and all this would soon be over. Well that all worked out fine until I realized I missed my window of sleepiness and my second wind hit. I didn't go to bed until 4:00am ish and now here I set at work with 3 hrs of sleep and doing ok. I've smiled a few times today but I still feel it I still feel the battle within. I've been taking it one hour at a time. I feel like the guy on a "beautiful mind" except I don't have a little girl and a college friend following me around I have a mood disorder that is always with me but I know now that it has a name. I know what I am fighting. For now I have opted to not take meds and rely on therapy and my own sheer will.

I am making a feast out of bread crumbs today!!!!

Reflecting

Today I've reflected alot about Tony and I. During my therapy session we decided to start from the present and move on that way and go back and forth to the past when we think it would help. So we hit on my current relationship with Tony. Awww did the tears flow. When asked if he wanted to come back would I accept him. I said yes in a heart beat.

2 things:

1. He doesn't want to come back and that isn't an option. We've talked about the last payment to the attorney. He's the happiest he's ever been. However he does miss me.

2. I am all for saving a marriage but some how being with Tony doesn't seem very healthy.

I am waiting for the day I don't think of him or miss him. We have a very unhealthy relationship. I know its part of both of us afraid of letting go 100%. Right now we still hang out and I spend the night over there when he ask. I let him drive the relationship as I don't want to rock the boat.

I know he's moved on but still loves me in some way or fashion. I know he misses me and its only a matter of time when he truly becomes faithful to his girlfriend.

Here's my dilemma....I know the best thing for both of us is for me to step aside and let go. Let him go 100% and let him have a chance to be happy. Its so easy and yet so hard to actually do. I do love him so much and I am being selfish by still being available to him. Then when I step out and take a look. Tony is having his cake and eating it too. He has a girlfriend and I the wife have become the other woman. STOP this is the unwise decisions I keep making. The therapist said it was ok for me to still love him and there wasn't a time frame to get over him. THat I should do it in my own time. I am sure it doesn't mean to still be apart of his life.

Today I am making an effort not to contact him. I did on accident its such a habit to send a pic to him of the kids doing cute stuff. However I will make an effort to not contact him tomorrow or Monday. Tues I am suppose to stay with him while I take my first dose of my new med. I think I can handle it on my own...... my goal for Feb is to be less involved with Tony that what I've been.

I am so trying to grow....

Surviving!!!

So this is me after my first therapy session. It went well!! I am finally on my way to getting the help that I need. After being misdiagnosed for 5 years and undiagnosed for probably 25 years I am finally getting help. Hopefully my life will become stable in the next few months. Bipolar has distroyed my life.

Date Night

I loved date night today. I saw a cute little film a HFMA called Little Furniture it was so cute and witty and I just loved it. I loved that everyone was so normal in this film and it made so much more easy to relate and I found I didn't hate myself my body or my life after leaving this film. Had dinner ate like a pig and it felt good. Now I know what the lady was talking about in Eat Pray Love. I took my time ate my food enjoyed every bite of it!

Tonite I attempt to text my ex a few times never sent the text erased it and just let it be. He doesn't need to know what I am doing and how well I am. He'll contact me and when he does I will let him know I am in a good place. My ex and I have had the wierdest relationship we never really let each other go until about a few weeks ago ummm 12-26 to be exact. We had a loving relationship even as this divorce is coming around to being final .I think after that day we knew the relationship would take a turn of just exes not BFF's not lovers just two exes trying to maintain a civil relationship with one another. I'd hope it would be a loving friendship but he is very serious with his new girlfriend and very affraid of messing things up that I decided I wouldn't be a friend that had to be hidden if he wanted me as friend then he'd have to treat me like a real friend after 12-26 i think we both knew it was time to move on...one last time for old time sake and it felt horrible there wasn't anything left no more feelings of passion or love. Anyway

I am looking forward to my new journey. On a side note I was hit on by an Australian guy at the film but I was much too worried about getting dinner than entertaining him. He was a cutie but I am just not into meeting any men right now. I have alot of healing to do and alot things to focus on MEN not on that list.

Self Discovery!!!

This year I am on a mission to get well mentally, physically and emotionally. One of the thoughts Ive had since Tony moved out back in June was to be alone for a year. However with the roller coaster of emotions bipolar and everything else it didn't quite happen. So this year I am hell bent on finding out who I am. I am going to date myself for a change treat myself how'd I want someone to treat me. Being good to oneself and loving oneself comes very hard for me however unless this can be accomplished I can't love another or be in a healthy relationship unless I take care of me. My first date with myself is to the museum for a movie. Something I could never make time for in my young adult years. Tomorrow I have a therapy appointment and things are looking good. Out with old and in with the new (a friend tells me this all the time) I am learning the true meaning of this. THis year my main goal is to let go of my soon to be ex husband. He's caused major stressed but he's also a kind man in his own way. I've started to let him go and not get in touch with him when ever I feel there are times of crisis. I handle them on my own and move on. I am proud to say I have not communicated with him today...this is a great start. I actually hadn't thought of him until this post. I am on my way yay!!!