Today I've reflected alot about Tony and I. During my therapy session we decided to start from the present and move on that way and go back and forth to the past when we think it would help. So we hit on my current relationship with Tony. Awww did the tears flow. When asked if he wanted to come back would I accept him. I said yes in a heart beat.
2 things:
1. He doesn't want to come back and that isn't an option. We've talked about the last payment to the attorney. He's the happiest he's ever been. However he does miss me.
2. I am all for saving a marriage but some how being with Tony doesn't seem very healthy.
I am waiting for the day I don't think of him or miss him. We have a very unhealthy relationship. I know its part of both of us afraid of letting go 100%. Right now we still hang out and I spend the night over there when he ask. I let him drive the relationship as I don't want to rock the boat.
I know he's moved on but still loves me in some way or fashion. I know he misses me and its only a matter of time when he truly becomes faithful to his girlfriend.
Here's my dilemma....I know the best thing for both of us is for me to step aside and let go. Let him go 100% and let him have a chance to be happy. Its so easy and yet so hard to actually do. I do love him so much and I am being selfish by still being available to him. Then when I step out and take a look. Tony is having his cake and eating it too. He has a girlfriend and I the wife have become the other woman. STOP this is the unwise decisions I keep making. The therapist said it was ok for me to still love him and there wasn't a time frame to get over him. THat I should do it in my own time. I am sure it doesn't mean to still be apart of his life.
Today I am making an effort not to contact him. I did on accident its such a habit to send a pic to him of the kids doing cute stuff. However I will make an effort to not contact him tomorrow or Monday. Tues I am suppose to stay with him while I take my first dose of my new med. I think I can handle it on my own...... my goal for Feb is to be less involved with Tony that what I've been.
I am so trying to grow....
