Here I am Bipolar....This was taken the day before Easter. Thought it would be a good idea to go to the salon get my hair colored right and get a trim almost 200.00 this is what it looks like.
Nothing special and something I think I could of had done for alot cheaper and the 2 hours that I sat there almost drove me mad. I had pressure talking because I was going nuts in that chair. Thankfully this salon was brand new and my hair stylist was happy to talk with me. I find when I have pressure talk when I am uncomfortable or if things feel awkward. This happens to get me in trouble alot especially with men.... mostly with men actually only with men. I don't know what the nervousness is about but it happens. Then the pressure talk that is all over the place is seen as a few things. 1 as flirting...and I am totally unaware of it until maybe I run into the man again of I get asked out for coffee. I have the weirdest things happen to me. 2. or women don't like to really be talked to that much....
Anyway
This is the day it my lows started rearing its little head..... By Sunday full on terrible low. Weeping feeling like I was going to lose touch with reality and then followed by anxiety. Monday not so bad did a 6 mile run as I have gained 10 lbs and feel so horrible. I also had a Dr appt in which I was informed I needed to either increase my dose OR take lithium on top of the seroquel. This was crushing to me. Lithium is the med that cause the attempted suicide and black out just 5 months ago..... I was not going to do this no way no how. So there I was again feeling defeated alone and misunderstood.
I don't have a strong support system my family would love to see me off my meds and my companion is not strong enough to NOT let me manipulate him. I can talk most people into believing I am not sick. That it was only my situation and that in 2007 when the first separation happen that is when my spiral started and now I am in a good place. I can convince most people around me that I can beat this without meds. What people don't realize is this ,bipolar people are the best actors and actresses. Without someone who can call bullshit on me i am left to wing it and bring along people on the ride.
I have a very close friend from work who I was involved with for a few months. He's grown to love me but I think more as friend and he worries about me. He too was almost sucked in thankfully he didnt spend enough time for me to damage his life. However he is experience with Bipolar as his daughter went through it. He's been the one who has influenced me to stay on my treatment when I stray from treatment and turn into a recluse he's there pushing me on. Its as if he shakes me into reality. I can't pull anything over him he sees right through me.
I need to start blogging regularly and what a typical day looks like for me.
Get in a bipolar support group and build a strong support system.
I need to mend my heart and forgive myself.
