Sat night was movie night. One of the up sides of my weekend. I love movie night because its always nice to eat popcorn hang out and snuggle with my little ones. This always makes me feel warm and fuzzy and I swear the cure to my insomina. For whatever reason I can never make through the whole movie actually neither one of us can.
This weekend was a tough struggle. I took a picture of myself as I was battling the low. I look pretty normal. I wondered if anyone can see the hell and torment I was going through. As I looked at this picture I look pretty normal. Explains why I can hide it so well. Except this weekend was extra painful. I still can't figure out if the Tony thing triggers it or it just comes in spurts. Either way I battled bipolar all weekend severe lows and one tiny crying spell. The kids now know that I am not well and are so good. They know when I am sad and give me a moment. That is at least what they did when they saw me sprawled out on my bed with tears in my eyes. That moment lasted about 10mins I decided to say F You BIPOLAR you are not stealing my life. But all through out the weekend I was so sad and blue. I wanted relief so bad I thought I would start my first dose of Seroquel. But something hit me...I knew what was happening and I was battling it I made it through Friday and Sat and by Sunday when I thought of taking the Seroquel I thought just take it one hour at a time by 6:00pm I felt like bedtime was around the corner and all this would soon be over. Well that all worked out fine until I realized I missed my window of sleepiness and my second wind hit. I didn't go to bed until 4:00am ish and now here I set at work with 3 hrs of sleep and doing ok. I've smiled a few times today but I still feel it I still feel the battle within. I've been taking it one hour at a time. I feel like the guy on a "beautiful mind" except I don't have a little girl and a college friend following me around I have a mood disorder that is always with me but I know now that it has a name. I know what I am fighting. For now I have opted to not take meds and rely on therapy and my own sheer will.
I am making a feast out of bread crumbs today!!!!
