Weekend Madness

Sat night was movie night. One of the up sides of my weekend. I love movie night because its always nice to eat popcorn hang out and snuggle with my little ones. This always makes me feel warm and fuzzy and I swear the cure to my insomina. For whatever reason I can never make through the whole movie actually neither one of us can.

This weekend was a tough struggle. I took a picture of myself as I was battling the low. I look pretty normal. I wondered if anyone can see the hell and torment I was going through. As I looked at this picture I look pretty normal. Explains why I can hide it so well. Except this weekend was extra painful. I still can't figure out if the Tony thing triggers it or it just comes in spurts. Either way I battled bipolar all weekend severe lows and one tiny crying spell. The kids now know that I am not well and are so good. They know when I am sad and give me a moment. That is at least what they did when they saw me sprawled out on my bed with tears in my eyes. That moment lasted about 10mins I decided to say F You BIPOLAR you are not stealing my life. But all through out the weekend I was so sad and blue. I wanted relief so bad I thought I would start my first dose of Seroquel. But something hit me...I knew what was happening and I was battling it I made it through Friday and Sat and by Sunday when I thought of taking the Seroquel I thought just take it one hour at a time by 6:00pm I felt like bedtime was around the corner and all this would soon be over. Well that all worked out fine until I realized I missed my window of sleepiness and my second wind hit. I didn't go to bed until 4:00am ish and now here I set at work with 3 hrs of sleep and doing ok. I've smiled a few times today but I still feel it I still feel the battle within. I've been taking it one hour at a time. I feel like the guy on a "beautiful mind" except I don't have a little girl and a college friend following me around I have a mood disorder that is always with me but I know now that it has a name. I know what I am fighting. For now I have opted to not take meds and rely on therapy and my own sheer will.

I am making a feast out of bread crumbs today!!!!

Reflecting

Today I've reflected alot about Tony and I. During my therapy session we decided to start from the present and move on that way and go back and forth to the past when we think it would help. So we hit on my current relationship with Tony. Awww did the tears flow. When asked if he wanted to come back would I accept him. I said yes in a heart beat.

2 things:

1. He doesn't want to come back and that isn't an option. We've talked about the last payment to the attorney. He's the happiest he's ever been. However he does miss me.

2. I am all for saving a marriage but some how being with Tony doesn't seem very healthy.

I am waiting for the day I don't think of him or miss him. We have a very unhealthy relationship. I know its part of both of us afraid of letting go 100%. Right now we still hang out and I spend the night over there when he ask. I let him drive the relationship as I don't want to rock the boat.

I know he's moved on but still loves me in some way or fashion. I know he misses me and its only a matter of time when he truly becomes faithful to his girlfriend.

Here's my dilemma....I know the best thing for both of us is for me to step aside and let go. Let him go 100% and let him have a chance to be happy. Its so easy and yet so hard to actually do. I do love him so much and I am being selfish by still being available to him. Then when I step out and take a look. Tony is having his cake and eating it too. He has a girlfriend and I the wife have become the other woman. STOP this is the unwise decisions I keep making. The therapist said it was ok for me to still love him and there wasn't a time frame to get over him. THat I should do it in my own time. I am sure it doesn't mean to still be apart of his life.

Today I am making an effort not to contact him. I did on accident its such a habit to send a pic to him of the kids doing cute stuff. However I will make an effort to not contact him tomorrow or Monday. Tues I am suppose to stay with him while I take my first dose of my new med. I think I can handle it on my own...... my goal for Feb is to be less involved with Tony that what I've been.

I am so trying to grow....

Surviving!!!

So this is me after my first therapy session. It went well!! I am finally on my way to getting the help that I need. After being misdiagnosed for 5 years and undiagnosed for probably 25 years I am finally getting help. Hopefully my life will become stable in the next few months. Bipolar has distroyed my life.

Date Night

I loved date night today. I saw a cute little film a HFMA called Little Furniture it was so cute and witty and I just loved it. I loved that everyone was so normal in this film and it made so much more easy to relate and I found I didn't hate myself my body or my life after leaving this film. Had dinner ate like a pig and it felt good. Now I know what the lady was talking about in Eat Pray Love. I took my time ate my food enjoyed every bite of it!

Tonite I attempt to text my ex a few times never sent the text erased it and just let it be. He doesn't need to know what I am doing and how well I am. He'll contact me and when he does I will let him know I am in a good place. My ex and I have had the wierdest relationship we never really let each other go until about a few weeks ago ummm 12-26 to be exact. We had a loving relationship even as this divorce is coming around to being final .I think after that day we knew the relationship would take a turn of just exes not BFF's not lovers just two exes trying to maintain a civil relationship with one another. I'd hope it would be a loving friendship but he is very serious with his new girlfriend and very affraid of messing things up that I decided I wouldn't be a friend that had to be hidden if he wanted me as friend then he'd have to treat me like a real friend after 12-26 i think we both knew it was time to move on...one last time for old time sake and it felt horrible there wasn't anything left no more feelings of passion or love. Anyway

I am looking forward to my new journey. On a side note I was hit on by an Australian guy at the film but I was much too worried about getting dinner than entertaining him. He was a cutie but I am just not into meeting any men right now. I have alot of healing to do and alot things to focus on MEN not on that list.

Self Discovery!!!

This year I am on a mission to get well mentally, physically and emotionally. One of the thoughts Ive had since Tony moved out back in June was to be alone for a year. However with the roller coaster of emotions bipolar and everything else it didn't quite happen. So this year I am hell bent on finding out who I am. I am going to date myself for a change treat myself how'd I want someone to treat me. Being good to oneself and loving oneself comes very hard for me however unless this can be accomplished I can't love another or be in a healthy relationship unless I take care of me. My first date with myself is to the museum for a movie. Something I could never make time for in my young adult years. Tomorrow I have a therapy appointment and things are looking good. Out with old and in with the new (a friend tells me this all the time) I am learning the true meaning of this. THis year my main goal is to let go of my soon to be ex husband. He's caused major stressed but he's also a kind man in his own way. I've started to let him go and not get in touch with him when ever I feel there are times of crisis. I handle them on my own and move on. I am proud to say I have not communicated with him today...this is a great start. I actually hadn't thought of him until this post. I am on my way yay!!!