Why is everyday a struggle

Why is everyday a struggle. Today is AJ's prek graduation. I am feeling anxious and sad.
Anxious because I have to see Tony and Yolanda together and my little ones graduation.
He is not longer the little one in daycare he'll be a kindergartener in Elementary school. The baby will grow up alot and I will miss that.

I know we are divorced and me being in a low at the moment makes for a perfect storm. I have taken precaution. I got sleep last night so I am not sleep deprived as being sleep deprived causes the mood to intensify. I have taken an extra 50mg of my meds today to ease some of the anxiety.

I am pushing on and with sheer will I will not let them effect me. I hope. I am sure I will cry today.

There are days when I wonder if I am truly bipolar or if I am just still heart broken. I think maybe I took the divorce alot harder than I thought..ok I am bipolar was just a fleeting thought.

I AM HOPING FOR A BETTER EVENING. My poor heart is tired of being heart broken.

Still Standing some how

Yesterday 5/16/2011 I found out Tony has been living with his girlfriend less than a year after he's moved out. He moved on so fast to the live in girlfriend phase. Yesterday was the worst day it seems I took it so hard and pain is still fresh. The bipolar also took a hold of me as yet again I broke things off with Hector. My mind tells me I need to be alone my fear says you can't be alone its too scary. What is the right thing to do..... A wise person says that it takes a bipolar person alot longer to find clarity but it will come.

Tonite I start my support group..it is free and I have doubts about what kind of people will be there. Its a step in the right direction. Today I did have a chat with Tony about us and letting go. He would contact me everyday. Last intimate encounter was almost 4 weeks last time he flirted with me 2 weekends ago. The news left my head spinning as I thought that maybe Tony wasn't over me. But he is and was just using me..... at this point I feel ravished and used by him that I swear dating or relationships make my stomach sick.

Another set back but the important thing is I am here still standing.

I've been faking it since I can remember and this picture is another fake it clean the tears away and go on with your life.

Friday 5/13 i had such a low spell that I literally cried myself to sleep then I woke up and got ready as I had committed to spending time with a couple friend of mine and Hector.

None of the people at my table would suspect I was battling a low. I did good covering in up. The picture of me after I woke up wiped the tears away and put on a happy face.

One day I'd like to not fake it anymore.

My BFF

Struggling here a bit. This is my new BFF Hector. He's been around for almost 2 years and has been the through the worst of the worst with me. He's help me when I came out of the mental institution and he saved my life when I had attempted suicide Nov 2011. Since Oct 2011 he's been my sole support system on and off I push him away. Its blossom into a relationship I know I have no business in. Until I can mend my heart from my divorce and find the right balance with bipolar this guy is left to take the roller coaster ride with me. None of our friends feel sorry for him anymore. He knows what he has on his hands and he's taking a chance. Right now he feels safe and safe is what I need. He won't hurt me and he has such a huge heart. I really feel as if we are more BFF / companion. Not sure if I will get that fire I once felt with Tony maybe thats it maybe there is only "one" and maybe you just have to make sure you end up with someone you can be total friends with.

I started my increased dose last night and today I actually felt great. Lets see what the night holds..when I leave work is when I fall to pieces. I won't be alone tonite so the blues should be minimal.